Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Baptism - 09.15.2011

Here I was baptizing myself in the throes of others’ misery, wanting nothing but to remember how it felt when the pang of life was so full it overflowed up and out each orifice. To feel the presence of gravity on tears that, for once, seemed natural. To fight the uncontrollable convulsion of face muscles, and the lack of will to direct where my identity would find itself—alive, or flat faced, dying slowly, breathing its’ last fleeting gulp of air.

It startled me when after half a year of submerging my desire to search, I found her in a photo, a blue flowing dress taut around her now womanly figure. Her family members boasting large smiles while one by one placing their hands on her pregnant stomach to turn in pose for the camera.

I felt sick. My heart seemed to squeeze a little harder while I attempted to understand how I should feel about what I'd just seen. Nothing made sense—I buried myself in a book while the chatter of co-workers clamored in the background and I suddenly felt annoyed, angry—indifferent. Nothing mattered anymore—I felt lighter, as if a piece of me had just been carved out, or a burden lifted.

My actions were impulsive and my demeanor became less than gravitational. It was time to leave and I was glad for that—eleven hours of playing polite to people who could care less about my feelings was enough for one day.

Despite my hasty driving, the ride home was long. It started raining and the thoughts in my head were whirling about. The brake lights from cars I was passing started to blur together. I made it just one street from home, stopped at the stop-sign, and I felt that pang for once, wanting to escape—I let it.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Amnesia

Picture credited to Shannon Freer

My spine is where I held myself together;
it kept my memories in its tendrils
to remind me where I'd been.  Identity—
they stole my memory.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Resolute

To who then do I owe this pleasure,
or this curse, to love a second
long after its first.  I must say
I have toed the line day after day

with no regard to a past ill spent,
but the past is present—I repent.
Now what then do I seek salvation from?
No god or man has talent enough

to make my deeds undone.
Nor even in a dying breath a lament
shouted towards the sun
would do sufficient harm or good

to make my deeds undone.
So I ask once more: why tread this path?
There is no reason for my treason
though to warily await each passing season.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Spring

I am senseless, like the seasons;
like the low hanging branches
snipped to provide nourishment
for the strong to survive.

What do we hope for when love
can be bought and history
stacked behind a barn to be burnt
in a Darwinian pyre?

Eagerly staring in to the white flame
I hope to find some semblance
of myself - but I am lost—food
scattered in the wind for Spring.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Traveling through Time

There are these moments--in life,
flash bulb photographs stored in the mind
like tiny creatures being fed
and groomed inside little purple
crystals. When the high stumbles
upon the precipice one might pop out,
as the mirror reflects the physical,
and the sights and sounds will cease
to exist--for the current time.
One might stray in these instants
of spacial vibration--one
may even stay there.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Some Ink Never Fades


You reached across the expanse
to guide me into the flame.
The sun set on our chastity
long ago; the moon, now cradled by a cloud
filled sky, shines bright on the skeletons
of our past. My skin is dense, but
knowing you are near, I feel the breeze
run it's chilled fingers across my cheeks.
During a past life I exhaled you into the rapture
of these crashing waves—I still remember
the pattern the ink made as it left the
pages of your letters when I drown them.
I meant to warn you: the air here is saturated
with poison. Please take enough good with you
so you can breathe again.  Please don't forget
to look up and admire the sky. Take these
pages and write to me; tell me how beautiful
the moon was and how it made you smile again.

Friday, January 4, 2013

The Death of Flight


A circle is breaking in a hospital bed tonight.
The blinking lights are dearth, and I am writing
in the darkness—the dark is where all words
are born—from this vacuous bench they will fade
like the subtle hum, beep, and breath
of men who have chosen to lose flight.
I need to understand what it means to fight. 
Arms weakly raised to a nurse, he is docile, his voice
speaking from a time his mind can no longer remember.
I must dig deeper.  Why am I here?
I want to come with him. I want to reach behind
to sever these blackened wings from their sheath
and take his place.
Selfish—this is so selfish.
Our ouroboros has swallowed itself and again I have disappeared
while siblings gather to justify the meaning.
He is fighting—don’t they see?
I retreata ghost in a room full of ghosts.